Test Match Special

Working from home

Allows me to listen

To Test Match Special.

I like it.

Jonathan Agnew,

Or Aggers, as he is known,

Should read some audiobooks

As his voice is quite reassuring,

And relaxing,

Except when he gets excited,

Such as when Jimmy Anderson takes a wicket

Or Joe Root scores a hundred.

Jeremy Coney talked about lunch

During the first Test.

He said he had a lovely lunch,

Although it seemed to consist

Of the same watermelon salad

Provided on day one.

I can only suggest that the caterers at Lord’s

Lack some imagination.

What I enjoy most about TMS

Is the sheer, unbridled enthusiasm

Shown by Jim Maxwell

Whenever Australia come to England.

At one minute to midday

His voice becomes animated

And he takes a deep breath to announce

That it’s time for the Shipping Forecast.

I have a digital radio,

Which means I don’t have to listen on long-wave

So thankfully my coverage

Remains uninterrupted.

The Power Washer Club

On our street,

Everyone owns a power washer.

On our Street,

Everyone takes turns to try and waste the most water.

On Mondays it's the guy across the road.

On Tuesdays it's the man on the corner.

Wednesday is Barry's turn, he likes to clean his car.

On Thursday it's usually our next-door neighbour,

But this week he's on holiday in Cumbria.

So next-door-but-one has taken responsibility and hosed his driveway.

Friday's washer is Steve,

And Saturday seems to be the turn of everyone else.

Sunday is no day of rest,

As the bloke opposite brings out his power washer.

I am not a member of the Power Washer Club.

We did buy one ages ago,

But I think we used it just the once.

The Invisible Killer

What woes this invisible killer does bring!

What terrors, affictions and other things!

Oh! Covid! How awful it is

To live in a world struck down like this!

No! No more! Stop causing a scene!

I wish to receive the Covid vaccine!

The Irresistible Lure Of High Velocity

The drivers rev the engines on the grid.

The crowd holds its breath.

The lights begin to change.

The cars rev harder.

And they're off!

The cars go around the track.

Around they go.

See them go.

Around and around.

Look at them go around.

There they go.

They go around.

They go around.

Some bloke squirts champagne from a very big bottle.

Hurrah!

Covid Nation

I have learned many things about myself

During the pandemic.

Most of the time I work from home

Which suits me very well.

I have avoided getting sick,

I have avoided meeting people,

And I have avoided that bloke at work who talks for hours and hours about the time he lived in Finland.

So, what have I learned?

How to make Kimchi is one thing,

Although I have to get the ingredients off the internet,

So I might as well buy it ready made from Waitrose.

I sometimes wish that I live in a more cosmopolitan area,

Where Korean radish and fermented chilli paste are readily available,

But then I would probably have to meet other people

When I go to the local greengrocers,

And that would never do.

One thing in particular I have realised

Is how much I dislike other people.

I sneer at folk from behind my net curtains

And curse when they make too much noise,

Although I do it very quietly

So as not to draw attention to myself.

Perhaps lockdown has not been too bad for me.

It keeps me off the streets,

Away from other people

And at home with the cats,

Where I belong.

There is an added benefit:

I don’t have to listen to that bloke at work who talks for hours and hours about the time he lived in Finland.

On Potatoes

 I’m allergic to raw potatoes.

They make me sneeze

And make my eyes water

When I peel them.

When I peel them,

I have to stick tissues up my nose

Or wear a facemask.

Thankfully, in these dark times of Covidity

And unpredictability

I have plenty of reuseable, washable masks

So that I can peel potatoes

Without sneezing all over the food,

And, as an added benefit,

Not catch the coronavirus.

Lockdown Blues

Lockdown’s not been kind to me,

It’s made me rather fat.

It’s down to inactivity,

I now look like my cat.

Ollie is a rescued tom

That likes to sleep all day.

He sleeps, he eats, and sometimes shits,

And I clean his litter tray.

Ollie has a brother too,

Oscar is his name.

Although they are both black and white,

They do not look the same.

Ollie’s fat and Oscar’s thin,

And their markings are distinctive.

Oscar’s are symmetrical

But there’s not much that’s descriptive.

I wish Ollie would get out more;

The vet is worried about him.

I’m more worried about my waistline.

Perhaps I'll join a gym.